Feminism and a Fight Gone Wrong

Women who pursue professional careers should be allowed and praised with the understanding that they are doing so voluntarily and are being fulfilled. More importantly, those who prefer to pursue a life at home and become good mothers should be recognized and appreciated just as much.

Disclaimer: I use gender and sex interchangeably to refer to whatever chromosomes a person was born with – there are of course only two. I do not speak about “preferred” gender, for there is no such thing as “identifying” as something someone is not.

Simone de Beauvoir argued that women are often reduced to the “the other sex.” She argued that women have been historically defined in relation to men, not as autonomous beings, and therefore should pursue their liberation. She thought that women should stop accepting cultural roles and myths and instead pursue economic-independence, self-definition, and reject the “other” status. First wave feminism was grounded in liberal, enlightenment ideals of individual rights, justice, and equality under the law.

They were right. Women should be treated equally under the law and given access to the same opportunities as men; women should be able to decide how they want to live their life and pursue what gives their life meaning. Above all, women should be valued and respected. Not more than men, not less than them, but equally. Feminists fought for women’s rights in no small part because they felt underappreciated. Because women were treated as being lesser than men - less valuable, less worthy, and less important. In short, because men were considered to be “better”. Thus, women tired of being treated as if they were beneath men.

It was, and still is, a lofty fight, one that is worth fighting and worth winning. The problem, however, is that in the pursuit of “equality”, women have come to believe that they need to become men. Instead of actually fighting to be appreciated as women, and all it entails, they have lost the plot and are now acting like men (but with heels and make up) and trying to be valued and appreciated as such. To behave like men and pursue dominance in male-dominated fields is arecognition and acknowledgement of male superiority. It means that only what men have historically done is valuable and worthy. A woman that behaves like a man and deprecates what family-oriented women have contributed to society is a woman that does not value her own sex and is in fact engaging in the most of misogynistic behaviors. A woman that believes that only material contributions matter, and thus, pursues at all costs a professional career and financial gains, is at the core of what feminism should actually be against. The lack of appreciation for the feminine and what traditional women did and still do.

Whoever says men and women are the same is either dumb or is lying. That we are equally worthy in God’s eyes should not be misconstrued into an argument that there are no innate physiological differences between us. To state such absurdity is to deny decades of scientific research. Because of such physiological differences, our personalities and preferences are in fact shaped by our gender. One simple example is the difference in testosterone levels and its effects on our body and mind. Men have 10-20x times more testosterone than women. Behaviorally and psychologically, testosterone has been shown to increase competitiveness, assertiveness, sex-drive, and risk-taking. It also influences dominance-seeking behavior and is associated with status-seeking, ambition and drive, and a reduced fear response. Men with normal levels of testosterone will display such tendencies, which makes sense given the thousands of years of being hunters.

On the other hand, women have 5-10x more estrogen than men and 10-20x more progesterone (100-300x during pregnancy) than men. Progesterone, for example, promotes caution, risk-aversion, and nurturing behavior. Whoever believes that it is a myth and social construct that women are by nature nurturers, is denying the effect of hundreds of thousands of years of evolution and must be on the left tail of an IQ distribution (aka. not smart). Physiologically, men and women are very different, it follows that psychologically we are as well. Hence the gender difference in extreme sports - an average woman is, because of chemical and structural differences, psychologically much more risk-averse than an average man.

Just as men are no better than women, so women are not better than men, they are different. Controversial as it now is to say, women and men have different innate proclivities and thus are innately inclined to pursue different paths in life. Controversial as it has become to say, men and women, on average, find satisfaction and fulfillment in different activities. Women on average are drawn to people-oriented careers like healthcare, education, human resources, social work, and counseling. Whereas men are on average drawn to thing-oriented careers such as engineering, mechanics and trade, and computer science. Scientific studies have found that in “gender-equal” countries women are much less likely to pursue a career in STEM. That means that in countries where women enjoy higher levels of freedom, the gap grows between people and things-oriented careers. These preferences are cross-culturally consistent.

Does that mean one sex is better than the other? No. Again, we are different. There are some things, however, that are exclusive to each sex. Women have been blessed with the greatest of all blessings, the ability to create and give life. Without men it would not be possible, of course. However, a woman’s body is able to create a human inside of her, a person with 30 trillion cells, with a beating heart, brain, lungs, kidneys, and everything else a person needs to survive. A woman’s body can create a little person with tiny hands, feet, with eyes and nails. It even creates the food the baby needs once it’s born. There is nothing more miraculous than creating and giving life, than bringing a new little human into the world. That women feel like creating and maintaining life (for at least 18 years or so) is not enough in and of itself, means that feminism has failed. That mothers need to be asked if they are “just” mothers or if they do something “else” with their life, means that only male-associated activities continue to be worthy of praise. It means women are not valued unless engaged in quantifiable male-associated activities.

The feminist movement should have put more emphasis on the importance of appreciating women and femininity rather than fighting for a woman’s right to behave as a man. Am I saying women (me) belong in the kitchen and laundry room? No. I am saying that if a woman voluntarily decides to be a mother, and a good one at that, to take good care of her children and her home, she should be allowed, valued, and praised for it. For, there is perhaps no job more difficult than raising children, taking care of a home, and having a good marriage. Were it easy, full-time nannies would not charge 150k annually, children would not be chronically ill, nor the probability of divorce would be higher than a coin-toss. It is undoubtedly hard and complex work to make it all work. Thus, society, should appreciate and value traditional women.

What feminists got wrong is that not all women want to pursue a “career”, some women still believe that being a full-time mother is more rewarding and necessary. Some women do enjoy building a home and “taking care of their husband”. After all, in a traditional and healthy setting, a man also takes care of his wife. And that is precisely where modern societies are failing, because they’re telling women they need to behave like men, while simultaneously telling men they are toxic and should become more feminine (what?!). It is a lose-lose situation where women are not appreciated as women, nor men are appreciated as men. Femininity is punished as is masculinity.

I am not saying a “traditional” woman’s role is easier than a man’s. I insist: it is different. It is not easy to have the responsibility of taking physical and economic care of your family. It must not be easy knowing that you must work every day for 50 or 60 years to make sure your family lacks naught, to strive to improve to be respected and admired at home. It is not easy to be a father, a husband, and provide for the family. As it is not easy to be a mother, a wife, and take care of a home. That is why women should not be “fighting” against men, nor vice versa. In a traditional setting, both are equally important, both are equally valuable, and both are equally as necessary for a society’s stability and development. A society without full-time mothers will collapse, as will a society without full-time fathers. It is about time feminists stop shaming women who put family above career, for there is no career as noble as motherhood. More so because it goes largely unrecognized. There are no promotions, no raises, no awards, no bonuses at year end. No applause for sitting 3 hours with a child who does not want to do his homework, driving a child at 6am on a weekend to her tournament, picking up a teenager from a party every other friday to make sure he is not drinking, and the million other "little" things mothers do. There is often no recognition of all the work and effort it entails. Nor is there greater responsibility than raising children and guiding them towards a good life.

Were modern feminists actual feminists, they would be defending the one thing a woman is uniquely capable of doing – being a mother. Rather than intimidating them into something anyone is capable of doing – working. Were feminists actually on women’s side, they would stop the push for women to become men. To behave, to work, to achieve, and to provide like men. That does not mean women should lose their freedom, their rights. It does not mean women should become uneducated, financially illiterate and dependent, submissive, dumb, obedient, or whatever else people think women become if they are not working a 9-5 job. It means that women who decide to dedicate their life to their children and home should be praised rather than shamed. Moreover, feminists should recognize that motherhood and having a good marriage and family life is as or even more rewarding than pursuing a professional career. Hence why young liberal women are on average 3 times as likely to have been diagnosed with a mental health condition in relation to young conservative women, and why 45% of liberal young women have been diagnosed with depression. It is why conservative women are three times more likely than liberal women to be “completely satisfied” with their life.

Feminists should stop telling young women that there is nothing more important in life than a professional career and that there should be nothing more important in life than a professional career. After all, it is well known that in the corporate world employees are readily replaceable. However, a mother is not. The role of some employees or business owners might be more or less irrelevant; the role of a mother is never ever so. As Helen Roy put it: “I don’t know a mother who would not die for her children. There is no greater love, and, speaking politically now, there is no greater responsibility. Contrary to the oft-parroted shibboleths of modern feminism, a mother’s role is not beneath her. It is actually above her, in the sense that motherhood inherently elevates women as cultivators of the gratuitous gift we know as life itself.” 

            Society, and ironically women, should stop asking of other women to behave like men and should stop shaming those who decide to pursue the path of motherhood and dedication to the home. To tell women that their worth and value is solely dependent upon monetary gains, and professional development and achievement, is to negate the value of women as women and the contribution mothers and “house-wives” have and continue to make. It is to affirm that their role is beneath a man’s. It is precisely what feminists should be fighting against, to stop women from competing with men in search for recognition. After all, it is now obvious that women can intellectually perform at the same level as men. Women who wish to pursue a professional career should be allowed and praised with the understanding that are doing so voluntarily and are being fulfilled. More importantly, those who prefer to pursue a life at home and become good mothers should be recognized and appreciated just as much.